Welcome to my blog!
This main page is being written on June 6th, 2020. I’ve been not using this blog as much as I wanted in life and I’ve been paying yearly to keep this on, just because I wanted to have a very nice blog once again as I had before when Koko For The World was visited by people in many countries around the world between 2012 and 2014.
I stopped blogging after 2014 especially because it was a very important development phase of my life. At that time, I was 24, just graduated in Journalism and didn’t know what to do with my life. At that point, I graduated but lost all the will to work in that profession as once I had. I was working as accountant assistant just because I couldn’t find a nicer job. That was an awful year but also the best year. If 2014 never happened, I wouldn’t be happy as I am now.
I’m only child. You may be asking why am I telling that but I will try to explain because being only child was a big trauma for me, psychologically.
My parents were born and raised in the countryside of São Paulo, and always had a very simple life. After long years of study and hard work, both of them got good jobs and also financial stability. After I was born, they always wanted to give me everything they’ve never had and so they did it. It’s not that we were always the most rich family but they saved and gave me everything they could.
I was raised with birthday parties every year, with loads of food and loads of friends of the family. As I grew up, my parents started to invite people from my school. At that time I had some friends but not everyone really knew me, but they were invited anyway. And that was a big problem. I’m not saying it was my parents fault but people’s fault. Those people were the ones who took advantage on me, bullied me, invented stories about me and judged me all my life.
And me, well, I took many years to get mature, I was very silly and didn’t have any malice or self protection knowledge. I think at that time I didn’t suffer much with all the bullying. I suffered much more as grown up, when I stopped to think about and remembered everything that happened. I couldn’t accept how did I let people do so many bad stuff to me. I was so submissive with the situations. I had no idea that I had to try to protect myself. I still can’t believe it. Nowadays, I still suffer when I think about it. Sometimes, I still blame myself, but at the same time I try to accept it’s not my fault for not knowing how to deal with it.
I had to survive these 24 years by myself, because no one believed the bullying and my parents thought it was just a normal thing I had to deal with and that everything would be ok as they survived psychological and also physical bullying on their childhoods. Therapy was always a taboo. So, I went through 3 depressive life moments without therapy or any help. And, I actually survived but there’s always sequels, despite it all made me stronger.
2014 was the year I stopped to think about the past, the present and the future, all at once. At that time I was working and was a bit more independent, so I decided to search for therapy. And I did it because I didn’t know who to trust. After analysing the past, I could only see that all I lived was manipulated with the idea of society’s standards. And I also realised all the people I believed to be my friends, maybe weren’t, maybe they were put in my life without my consent. I was completely lost. All my life, the bullying and all issues were because I couldn’t fit the environment I was living in.
For some years, I didn’t want to be myself anymore, I had really crazy thoughts inside of me. I couldn’t accept me and my own reality. I thought if people criticised me for being me or having the stuff I had, maybe if I changed my lifestyle or if I didn’t have the stuff I had or stopped having birthday parties, maybe people would finally stop judging me. And, I avoided talking with my parents because I felt bad for being pampered by them. So, for some time, I forced myself being unhappy, trying to fit a place I didn’t belong, can you believe it?
It took me time, but then I realised something was wrong and that maybe I didn’t need to suffer around those toxic people or even be in that world that I wasn’t fitting in. Then, I did 10 therapy sessions. It was the first time I met a stranger and ugly cried about everything. I can tell, it was a relief, I needed. Being an only child is good when you have parents like mine in terms of receiving love and having great life experiences but also is not having anyone to talk with about many things and having to keep feelings and pains under lock and key.
Because of all the judgements of being an only child and also of my financial life, I’ve never accepted myself. I could never understand why people hated me for being only child and for having what I’ve always had: a privileged life. As I said, I was very innocent (to not say dumb) and for me, that was normal because that was my reality. I didn’t have an outside vision, I lived in a bubble for 24 years. Despite of my privileged life, my parents always taught me to be humble, to donate, to help people, to be a good person. My parents always allowed me to spend with food, never objects and I was never into expensive stuff or brands. I was raised really well. Maybe that’s why I never overreacted when someone bullied me.
After the therapy sessions, I felt more relieved and I didn’t continue because it was expensive and also I finally decided something that changed all my life. The therapist brought me a new vision about the situations and she helped me to not feel so guilty for being me, for being born in a good family and also, for having the life I had. She made me realise that I didn’t need to change myself or my lifestyle for people to accept me. I just needed to filter those relations and keep the ones who accepted me, without me making any effort. I started to accept who I am and to accept my reality. She made me see it was ok to be an only child, it was ok if my parents gave me the things they wanted, it was ok to use my life benefits and it was ok to be privileged as long as I was grateful and didn’t harm anyone because of my lifestyle, as I never did. It was ok.
It was hard but I talked with my family and decided to leave. I needed to go far away from all the people, from all my past, from everything. I had to go and discover myself. The me that I thought I knew was actually molded by that society standards. That wasn’t me at all. Many people knew what they wanted for life and I didn’t know even what I actually liked. This was after me studying Veterinary Medicine, Journalism, iOS Programming, English, Spanish, French, Italian, Korean, etc. I needed time to find my true self without any external influence.
So, I promised myself this time I was using my life benefits with a good purpose and that I wouldn’t feel guilty for that, this was the first time I set a life goal. In the end, I felt guilty anyway, but I don’t regret it at all. I went to an agency and looked for any Management course abroad and I ended up in Belfast, Northern Ireland.It was the lowest living cost in UK and the only reason I went there was because I wanted a course in English, and London was too expensive and also, I probably wouldn’t study at all.
So, I deleted everyone’s contact on social medias. I told just to some essential people that I was leaving. Then, I just let life do its art. I just accepted back who searched and cared about me. Who didn’t, I didn’t go after and that was the best thing I did in my entire life. Nowadays, I can see that I got rid most of all toxic people and also, got rid of the whole toxic bubble. Living out of that world that I couldn’t fit is what makes me happy today. I have no world. Now, I have filtered and selected people and things in my life and that’s just perfect. The peace I wanted. Of course I still make mistakes opening the door for wrong people but that’s just me being a fool, believing people deserve a second chance. Some will never.
Well, I left all behind and lived in Belfast for a year and that was me trying to reach my independence and trying to find my inner self as well. I didn’t get financially independent, however, I’ve learned to survive by myself and I did it really well. I learned a lot and I got much more mature. I went through many crazy situations that I could never imagine I would go through.
One of the stories is that I grew up watching north american teenager movies and my silly dreams were to sell lemon juice in front of home or to work part-time at Starbucks or at a restaurant. I wasn’t in the US but got the restaurant job at a fake Brazilian restaurant, who’s owner was from Bangladesh. People say living abroad is chic, but it’s not that expected glam for some students and all immigrants.
I worked as receptionist, bartender and waitress at the same time in that restaurant. The past day I’ve worked there, there was a party for about 50 people, two floors, stairs, and working only me, a guy in the kitchen and the guy who would take bbq to the clients. I walked so much this day that I went back home with my shoes literally torn up on the front part. I used to get paid the next day but no one told me there wasn’t a next day after the party. The restaurant was bankrupt, they just closed it without announcing. I never saw anyone anymore and didn’t get paid. And that’s just one of the stories I went through.
I had many experiences. I shared a floor with another 11 students I think. Everyone had its on bathroom and toilet but we shared the kitchen. It was a mess. Half of the students were international and half northern Irish. I was one of the oldest students there and I applied to move to a more silent student ville some time later. The funny thing is that when I was in the kitchen with the Irish lads, I never understood a word. If they were joking about me, I will never know. I just smiled when they smiled and laughed when they laughed. At least I could understand the teachers on my course.
It was supposed for me to stay a year only but I applied for a Business course and moved to Sheffield in England. I lived in Sheffield for a year as well and my course was half English and half Spanish, so I ended up living in Vera, Spain for two months and a month in Madrid. Then, came back to São Paulo. I have really many stories to share but this post is already too long. I will try to keep posting here.
After I came back to São Paulo, I still didn’t know what I wanted or what I really liked and I was 26 years old. But I knew at least what I didn’t want or didn’t liked. In the bubble I lived, I was late learning, late working, late for everything, so I was still a bit anxious. I didn’t find a good job for a year. I sent my CV to many places and did many interviews, but no one hired me even after studying abroad, with so many new experiences. Then, I started thinking that the problem was me, again. I started to think that I would never find a job because I was too different from everyone. And, the thoughts of my past came back.
However, I was much more mature, stronger, mentally independent. My parents were ok when I worked in a restaurant abroad but they didn’t want me working in a restaurant or any mall store in São Paulo. Adults of the year they were born, think it’s a shame to work in random stuff, after having the best studies. And society standards kicked in again. Just because I had great studies, now I couldn’t have a “simple” job. (not simple at all) For me, a job was always a job, doesn’t matter the salary or what you do to pay your bills. Maybe I always had this thought because I never suffered with money before but I always had the thought that no one is better than someone because of a job.
As I lived almost a year and half alone, and had the experience working in restaurants and hotels, I decided to stand for myself for the first time. I went against these society standards and started working in a stationary store in a very known neighbourhood in São Paulo. That was the best thing I ever did in my life and I wish I had done this when I was 20, but I didn’t have the voice I have today. Ah, to avoid some arguments, I used to hide myself near the storage every time someone known by my family appeared, that was ridiculous. And I never told my work colleagues because I enjoyed them and the job. I wasn’t ashamed for working there, I just didn’t to have arguments due to something so stupid.
I kept looking for jobs and a friend from Colombia told me about a certain company and I think I would never send my CV there if it wasn’t his influence. I’m very thankful for it. So, I went through the jobs on LinkedIn and found one that held my attention. Job description: “a different vacancy”. I received so many negative responses to all the vacancies I applied…one more wouldn’t even tickle. The only thought I had was “Well, I’m different and this is a different vacancy, let’s try.” I’ve been working there it’s been two years and half and that’s the thing that makes me happier in life.
After all, most people get criticised or ridiculed because of their bad financial situation. And I was criticised and ridiculed my whole life for having a good one. And I know I’m still. One of my good friends nowadays, told me that before he really met me, he just heard about my financial life and not about all I went through. People have to stop judging people for money, that’s so bad, for everyone. It’s okay to judge if someone is treating someone else bad, that’s allowed. Of course I did mistakes in life, but I never used money to harm anyone and people made me hate myself and feel guilty for 24 years or more because I was living my own reality. That’s sick.
Well, now I’m independent, I work, I have my stuff that I bought with my salary, I pay my bills, help the family…I’m not ashamed to say that I worked as a waiter/bartender/receptionist, worked at a stationary store and also not ashamed that my 2019 trip to Pakistan, Qatar, Netherlands and UK was mostly paid with a loan I finished paying on the beginning of 2020, but I made it. ￼
Last but not least, I accept to be an only child, humble, independent and I accept to be pampered by my parents. On this quarantine, it’s not being easy but we’re making loads of memories together. Anyway…I’m still trying to accept that people will always find a new thing to judge, so whatever.
2020. If I was late someday for the social standards, fux* it. Now, I know that everything comes in the right time. We don’t have to rush, we just have to keep fighting and never give up. Very cliché but that’s it. And, sometimes it’s ok to stop and cry for a bit. We don’t need to be strong all the time. I’ve been learning that the past months. But the thing is, keep going. Life is evolution.
2020. 30 years old. Success. Happiness.
Thanks for reading. =]